The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
