i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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