youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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