Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Randomize
