Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
