And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
