The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this