Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.