ADVERTISEMENT

• (845): View more from New York

  I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.

  Fav 11 1353 2233

  share tweet
  

• (281): View more from Texas

  They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.

  Fav 7 799 1792

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (614): View more from Ohio

  He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick

  Fav 19 1314 4531

  share tweet
  

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.

  Fav 23 5923 1177

  share tweet
  
• 

  17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (301): View more from Maryland

  the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

  Fav 16 8177 1380

  share tweet
  

• (518): View more from New York

  for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt

  Fav 11 1126 3202

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

  Fav 56 14229 1942

  share tweet
  

• (208): View more from Idaho

  Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.

  Fav 26 1204 6748

  share tweet
  

• (519): View more from Ontario

  DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

  Fav 16 6515 1317

  share tweet
  
• 

  These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (940): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

  Fav 41 1737 8394

  share tweet
  

• (209): View more from California

  We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.

  (1-209): View more from California

  Duh.

  Fav 5 2328 813

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (+61): View more from Australia

  Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?

  Fav 4 1075 554

  share tweet
  

• (561): View more from Florida

  I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.

  Fav 4 786 582

  share tweet
  

• (716): View more from New York

  I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.

  Fav 1 677 498

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (845): View more from New York

  I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.

  Fav 2 805 461

  share tweet
  

Randomize