I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread