Don't make out with my wife yet
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
