You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
