Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
what day is it and did you see me today?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.