tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.