I hate all girls vehemently.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.