And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
