I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
