I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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