Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
