Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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