3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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