this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
