Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
