just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
