I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dick very happy bro
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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