i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
