At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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