The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i think my mom watched the whole time
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Houston, we have a squirter
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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