Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You dont lie about slip and slides
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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