She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
