Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
