I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
