He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
