went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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