Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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