That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
