At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
