im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
