Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
