If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The Olympian is in my bed
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
