I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
