It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
