you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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