I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
All I want is dick and wine.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
