one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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