I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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