Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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