I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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