Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
