I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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