I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize