i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
