i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
