So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
