I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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