i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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