Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Randomize