You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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