I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
