she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
