I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
well you can't waste a boner
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
