Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
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I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
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Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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