also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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