everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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