gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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