I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
